does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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