Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
