I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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