bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
