Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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