HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
