hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
