Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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