Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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