i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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