im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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