There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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