I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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