i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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