Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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