I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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