I skipped work to stalk him.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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