worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
