A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
