I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
