Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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