I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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