Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
time to smoke my breakfast
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
