A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
