Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
