dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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