i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
