oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
