I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We named our party play list daddy issues
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
