he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize