My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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