I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
