i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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