Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
