the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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