Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
