theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
