The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
