so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
