Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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