Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
