a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
