No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
