I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize