Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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