OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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