I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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