Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We talked him into tasing himself.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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