No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
