3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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