Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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