I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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