so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
