I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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