She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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