She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
