I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
