i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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