you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize