i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
