I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
