The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize