I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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