Betty ford says i'm here all night
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
