I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
