He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
