she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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