just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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